Monday, December 17, 2012

Copyright cake


Everyone posts recipes, so here’s mine! Never let it be said I didn’t share the recipe of my fabulous much-acclaimed Christmas cake.

Buy a pack of maida and bring it home to realise it’s rice flour. Disgusting con men in the store!

Cut open the packet of sugar and get the scissors stuck in the pack and see half the sugar spill on to the floor.

Try to mop it up with one hand, while keeping the dog away with the other. Sugar is bad for dogs, since they don’t brush their teeth ever ever!

Take the cut n dried raisins and almonds and cashews and stuff that you’d soaked in rum a month back – and kept tasting ever since. Look shocked since it’s now down to a handful.  Make a big noise demanding to know who in the house ate it up.

Anyway, just pour everything into a big wooden bowl and stir it.  Add other things you think cakes need. Like candles. Like eggs. Darn, how do you pick out the egg shells? Never mind, they’re good sources of calcium!

Caramelise some sugar by burning it brown in a pan with a little water. Stop before the whole house starts smoking and the neighbours ring the bell in panic. Go to the door to assure them you are not on fire. Return to the kitchen to find you are!

The caramelised sugar is now hard enough to throw at one of the neighbours!

You forgot to add butter, you clod! The butter is frozen to its paper carton. Dump it in anyway. If they can eat egg shells, they can eat paper too. It won’t dissolve! Microwave the whole thing a bit to melt it!

Ooh freakin frook! Paper carton and  wooden bowl and metal stirrer! Everything’s smoking. The microwave oven has blown the house fuse!

How are you gonna bake it with no power?

Call the boys and the dog and sit and lick up all the cake mix instead. It’s much yummier than cake. Call S and ask him sweetly to buy 4 large Christmas cakes on his way home. And some medicine for tummy upset.

Liked my cake recipe? 

Now here’s the real secret. Ma bakes the cake. I just eat it.

42 comments:

  1. ROFL. Laughing so hard I'm crying. I Have to Eat your Cake now!

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    1. Nothing's left of it except the wooden bowl!

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  2. Haha I know I know the last cake I had is still in my mind .. won't let out what happened hehe!!!!!!!!

    But apart from that chaos you do have cooking skills!!!!!!!

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    1. i've got even better laughing skills!

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  3. How on earth do you come with such thoughts :)
    Not that it has never happened to anyone else...but i bet only YOU can make it into a life's important and a very happy event.

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    1. Thank you thank you. It's nice to be told only I can burn cakes and blow up the house. I do take it as a compliment. REally! :)

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  4. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - ROFL, cant stop laughing! I have ditto cooking skills, wish I had a fraction of your writing skills!I'm soooooooo glad aunty makes the cakes. As far as I'm concerned, thank God for supermarkets :)

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  5. I read this recently, which I thought was really me -
    "I read recipes like I read science fiction. I get to the end & I think 'well that's not going to happen'"

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    1. hahaha. that's so funny. thank you. and keya is lucky to have a mom like you.

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  6. This post made my day today !

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  7. hahahaaaaa.... awesome reminds me one of those boozy christmas cake recipes :D

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    1. Yes. hail to all of us who can't bake!

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  8. ROFL... You sure you want a copyright for that??

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    1. :) wouldn't want to burn anyone else's house down and be held responsible! this way, if anyone else tries it, it's copyright infringement.

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  9. Haha I am busy burning down the house my own way! :D And my mom already has a copyright too :D We are anti-baking!

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  10. Ha ha ha....Hail indeed to all who cannot bake...I also belong to the will-not bake club after similar fiascos!!!

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    1. besides leela, we need to keep the professional cake-makers in business, right?

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  11. Hahahahahahahah Jane...this is one cake I swear I wont copy. :D

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  12. I shared it with my colleagues...it's hillarious. This is going to be one of my most favorite ones. Truly janey style.
    by the evening I had forgotten all about it...and casually remarked to a colleague while cajoling him to do something...please kar do naa...main kal tere liye cake bana ke laaungi...and the reply was...na na...rahne do..maine tere cake ki recipe padhi hai. thank you very much :D :D

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  13. Oh Jane Jane!! My daughter wants to know from the next room why I'm laughing so hard :)!!

    What a post for me to read before starting on my grand enterprise of baking that christmas cake tomorrow ;) !!

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    1. Hope your neighbours come visiting for the right reasons?! :)

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  14. hehe..that should be copy-writed...done :))

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  15. Now you can go ahead and write an entire recipe book. All the Sanjeev Kapoors and and Tarla Dalals are sure to get a complex when they see your fabulous copyrighted recipes ;)

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    2. Hehe, LA. I've got tons of their recipe books, fyi. :) Cooking in 10 minutes, baking made easy, quick recipes, easy school snacks (are you seeing a pattern here?). Only prob is what they see as easy or quick, never is for me. :)

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  16. LOLOL...even I just eat cake that is baked by others :-)))

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  17. heheh I didnt know u were so funny :) this is so hilarious :) wow

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    1. that's because you haven't been reading?!!!

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  18. Why blame the kids for the mistakes they do when their mom seems to specialise in them? Now I know - never eat a home made cake at the D'Souza - Gopalakrishnan household!

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    1. Come over on Christmas, and let's see if you survive!

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  19. I am so glad you posted on my blog... I would have never got the chance to read your wonderful posts...thanks

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  20. Hilarious. If the cake shop had a loyalty program, S should have enough reward points to sponsor all our office cakes, methinks.

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    1. Or you could order them from me? :)

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