Sunday, March 28, 2010

I wanna sue somebody

We’ve all read of this woman who dropped hot coffee that SHE ordered and SHE was carrying, on HERSELF – and sued the cafĂ© for it being too hot ! And WON a million dollars!
That’s America !
I am making a list of who to sue, cos I could sure use a million dollars.

When Neel was 4, he fell in a Mickey Mouse birthday party, and fractured his arm.
Ban parties ! Sue Walt Disney ? Sue the floor for being too hard?
When Neel was 5, the wind blew the door shut and his finger got cut off.
Sue the South West Monsoon? Ban all doors ?

Not working the way I wanted it to. Can’t see those million dollars anywhere near.

I busted my lip. Tried to make up an exciting story for it, but the truth is I slipped on a toy car at home. (my house looks like a Bangalore traffic jam with toy cars strewn in every corner).
Sue the Hot Wheels car makers for making cars with 4 wheels?

The house is child-safe. All plug points are covered in cello tape. The stairs have a latched gate (That even the dog has learnt to open). Knives, scissors and sharp stuff is shut away.
Niks threw a spoon at Neel and hit him on the head. Neel whacked Niks with a broom and nearly dislocated his neck.
Ban brooms? Sue the makers of spoons and plates?
Niks tumbled over his own shoes and fell on his nose.
SUE THE WORLD for its unfair law of gravity !!!

Learning : Nah ! I think there’s nothing wrong with the way the world and its manufacturers of stuff work. It’s our kids. Let’s face it.
Even better, let’s sue them ! That’s my only million dollar idea so far. Sue them for being so totally accident-prone and kid-like, and hope that they will become billionaire rock stars real fast, and therefore be able to shell out a million dollar lawsuit to their poor ole mom n dad.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The doctor's waiting room

Doctor looking out at the room through his one-way glass, wonders when this evening’s crowd of patients will ever end. Also wonders if he can finally ask his receptionist out to a drink after work.

Receptionist looking at the coiffeured woman in her mid-40s, immaculately dressed, each hair in place. Wonders if this is the person the doctor talks of cheating his wife with.

The woman in her mid-40s looks quietly over her fashion magazine at the young man sitting near her in his 20s, in his tight-fitting jeans, chewing gum, and wonders what it will be like to have a fling with a guy like that, all muscles and no brains, no strings attached.

The young guy chews his gum and openly stares at the teenage girl right across from him, and thinks up a dozen situations of them together. He keeps staring at her, willing her to look at him.

The teenage girl feels openly resentful of that gum-chewing idiot salivating all over his shirt, and staring at her. She needs someone with class, like that grey-haired man in the corner chair, who looks like he owns a corner office too, and would know how to dress a young lady in diamonds.

The grey-haired man waits for his turn to go in to meet the doctor, who he has been seeing for months now, with no other reason except that he has a huge crush on him, and today, he finally plans to confess his love for the doc.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

chocolate ke peeche kya hai ?

I saw this article in the paper where they have made fuel to run a car out of leftover chocolate. A WHOPPING LIE !
Hint 1 : Left over chocolate. LEFT OVER ? who in their right minds would leave over chocolate? I even lick up the piece that falls under the bed.
Hint 2 : There was a woman model sitting in the car. Hah ! She would have drunk up the chocolate fuel for sure.

Same reason I don’t go for chocolate massages. Would not want to be caught licking myself all over !

Anyway, women love chocolate and it is NOT OUR fault ! Something to do with our hormones or genes or something. Guys prefer vanilla icecream. Ugh ! They must have craters full of that on Mars!
If I catch S sneaking into my chocolate stash, I take it as a personal call to Battle !

Men, listen to this. If you have forgotten to wish her on her birthday, (despite my earlier post on V Day), buy her a chocolate as big as a car. She will eat it, while bonding with her girl friends, and tell them what a jerk you were to forget her birthday. (Hey, no one said this was about YOU winning).

Some more facts about chocolate :
A square of dark chocolate a day prevents strokes. (Therefore, 10 squares should be even healthier).
Good for headaches. Good for PMS. Good for depression. Good for morning perk-ups. Good for evening fatigue. Aphrodisiac.
Bad for the Big Butt Society. It has about a hundred calories in every bite I’m afraid.

However, I have a loophole even for this.
The Ugandan village males like fat women. They have a ‘fattening hut’ where they will keep you for months before they even consider marrying you.

Learning :
Girlfriends unite! Let’s meet, eat chocolate and all go to Uganda after that.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Windows 2010

You know what would help you avoid shoe bite, traffic fines, eunuchs, sick children suspected of swine flu and thieves ?
Car Windows… No kidding ! the all-in-one cure !

Here’s a chain of events that happened when my niece went clickety-click on the automatic car windows :

- The automatic windows broke – The windows wouldn’t roll down – The windows manufacturer (not Bill Gates) said the repair unit would take 48 hours – I kept the car running with windows up and air con running for 2 hours – So Niks came down with a cold and fever – Spent thousands on his tests and meds – S took 2 days of leave - The windows manufacturer said the unit would take another 48 hours – Met someone I knew while driving on the road – Could not roll down the window to say Hi – Had to open the car door and get out in traffic to say Hi, my Windows won’t roll down – Angry traffic cop –Went to Manipal Hospital – where car valet managed to get windows DOWN and now they wouldn’t go UP – The windows manufacturer said the unit would take another 48 hours – Now driving with windows down all over town – Traffic signal, the “gender-challenged scary beggars” snaking their arms right in – Can’t park the car anywhere outside cos the windows are DOWN – found my old favorite boot hanging on the mirror flicked – found the car shelf flicked - Mosquitoes flying in and out of the car – threatening malaria - sunniest of days no air con – cos the windows won’t go UP - – I had to walk 1 hour 45 minutes to somewhere cos I couldn’t take my windowless car – got a shoe bite- The windows manufacturer said the unit would take another 48 hours.

Learning : So forget Insurance and gym memberships and Buy the Right Car Windows, People! It could one day (or in 48 hours) save your life !