Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The unromance novel

I am of the firm opinion that the romance novel has killed romance. It paints a picture so rosy that anything less is immediately dismissed as a bed of thorns. Ouch! Pick up a romance book and pick out any random page.

Pg 42: ‘As his lips brushed her nose, she felt a tingling in her spine.’
I don’t know about her, but in real life, anyone with lips, or anything else brushing her nose would go into a paroxysm of sneezing. And a tingling in the spine – rush to your nearest orthopaedic surgeon who will immediately put you through a list of tests starting with spondylitis and ending with paralysis of the lower limbs.

Pg 73: ‘He took her feet into his hard hands and began to caress the soft white insoles.’
He is a masseur in a massage parlour. That explains it. No other man alive would caress soft white insoles. No other man alive would probably even know what insoles are. Go on check it out. Ask your guy what he thinks of your insoles.

Pg 113: ‘I have waited all my life for a woman like you,’ he whispered.
He is in his nineties. Which is why he’s been waiting all his life. (Also men in romance novels do one whole lot of whispering, do you notice?)

Pg 130: ‘Her heart threatened to burst out of her heaving satin blouse.’
It already is, judging from the cover of the book. There’s a whole lot bursting out of her heaving satin blouse as well.

Had enough? Snap the book shut. And you’re presented with the cover:

The cover has a guy with a jaw that could cut watermelon in one swipe. Stop right there! Have you ever seen a matrimonial ad which reads ‘Highly educated boy with a software degree and a jaw that cuts watermelon searches for a ....’ Of course not! They do not exist. Neither does the woman on the cover with her auburn hair thrown back and her neck thrown back and her head thrown back... at an impossible tilt which has probably given her that spondylitis in the first place.

Pg 199: ‘And then he switched on the TV, and kicked off his shoes and yelled, ‘What’s for dinner?’
Haha. Caught you there. You won’t find that on Pg 199. It doesn’t exist in romance novels. That’s real life. And though it has no bursting hearts or tingling spines, it is a lot more fun!