Thursday, November 19, 2009

Life is dangerous

Got a scary email today saying microwave food is dangerous – free radicals – cancer of the intestines.
Read yesterday, they’ve finally proved that cell phone usage will end up in cancer of the brain.
Using re-cooked oil will give me cancer of whatever body part is left.

The pollution levels in the city are so high that over half of the population will get asthma or other respiratory illnesses.
The underground water has sewage seeping into it which will cause gastro-enteritis or skin problems – or probably both.

Processed food out of cans causes damage of the nervous system.
Cooked food kills all nutrients, and will leave me with iron and calcium and mineral deficiencies.
Raw food will give me salmonella poisoning.

If I stay home and watch TV –I’ll get obese – and slowly blind.
If I get out and drive in the traffic – it’s road rage and stress syndromes.
Walking in the sun causes skin cancer.
Jogging gives me heel and knee tendonitis.

I think the general prediction here is no matter what I do –
if I carry on living, I’m going to die.

So let’s go sit out in the cancerous sunshine, inhale some lung-polluting air, open the bag of carcinogenic chips and wash it down with some liver-damaging vodka.

Who wants to join me ?

Monday, November 9, 2009


This morning, I get a phone call
“Hello,” I say.
“Who is that?” says the other voice.
“Jane,” I reply, biting back a fittingly caustic reply.
“Oh please hold on…. ”

So, I decided today, to dedicate this blog post to the annoyingisms of daily life :

Party invitees, who turn up 2 hours after you’ve invited them, saying they had to be elsewhere, and then leave early, saying they have to be going elsewhere. (Elsewhere has since been checked out, and exists in the same category as ‘next time’ – as in, ‘next time’ you are invited to ‘elsewhere’.)

Women who starve themselves on an almond a day – and then ask if they ‘look fat in these clothes’.

My mom’s very clear un-ambiguous speech, which drives me up the wall (and from this blog, you probably think I permanently reside up there) by asking ‘Can you pass me that thing from there?’

My 2 ½ year old, who is going one day to post-graduate in annoyingism – who straight after a crash from the other room, comes running in to say, “I didn’t do it.”

My favourite - borrowed from a friend, Gaurav : The definition of a Nano-second : the time between when the traffic light turns green, and the idiot behind you starts honking.

People who send your forwards with all the chain of forwards that other people have sent them – down to 14 generations – and to add insult to environmental injury – threaten instant strokes of lightning if you don’t continue the chain.

And if you think I’m over-reacting – consider that a whole lot of people actually spent real time on this research : A research found 99 out of 100 people found the most annoying word was ‘Whatever’.
They asked the remaining 1% what she thought of it – and she said “Whatever…”

Learning : But the annoyingest of them all goes to someone who calls her blog 'daily a-musings' and then posts once in 2 weeks ;-)