This morning, I get a phone call
“Hello,” I say.
“Who is that?” says the other voice.
“Jane,” I reply, biting back a fittingly caustic reply.
“Oh please hold on…. ”
So, I decided today, to dedicate this blog post to the annoyingisms of daily life :
Party invitees, who turn up 2 hours after you’ve invited them, saying they had to be elsewhere, and then leave early, saying they have to be going elsewhere. (Elsewhere has since been checked out, and exists in the same category as ‘next time’ – as in, ‘next time’ you are invited to ‘elsewhere’.)
Women who starve themselves on an almond a day – and then ask if they ‘look fat in these clothes’.
My mom’s very clear un-ambiguous speech, which drives me up the wall (and from this blog, you probably think I permanently reside up there) by asking ‘Can you pass me that thing from there?’
My 2 ½ year old, who is going one day to post-graduate in annoyingism – who straight after a crash from the other room, comes running in to say, “I didn’t do it.”
My favourite - borrowed from a friend, Gaurav : The definition of a Nano-second : the time between when the traffic light turns green, and the idiot behind you starts honking.
People who send your forwards with all the chain of forwards that other people have sent them – down to 14 generations – and to add insult to environmental injury – threaten instant strokes of lightning if you don’t continue the chain.
And if you think I’m over-reacting – consider that a whole lot of people actually spent real time on this research : A research found 99 out of 100 people found the most annoying word was ‘Whatever’.
They asked the remaining 1% what she thought of it – and she said “Whatever…”
Learning : But the annoyingest of them all goes to someone who calls her blog 'daily a-musings' and then posts once in 2 weeks ;-)
JANE KIDDING. my life as a pretty (bad) mom, worse manager and good survivor, and how to find everything hysterical (strictly in hindsight).
Completely agree with the learning. U need to post more often!!! ur blog makes many smile. that way u can do ur bit to reduce some annoyingism(or Whatever that word is:) )
ReplyDeleteYes, glad to see you posting some angst. We all have our pet peeves. Mine is new parents foisting their new-born offspring on singleton friends, and expecting gushing responses.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a way of making even the most annoying things funny. 'That thing' from 'there' - ha ha - i've been there and done that.
ReplyDeleteU r simply the best when it comes to playing with words..and Boy ! did I mentioned about all the grins that ur posts bring along..keep up the amazing work dear !
ReplyDeleteu go to the emergency room and have to wait for 2 hours to be seen unless u are having heart issues!!
ReplyDeletethat is annoying *!?:(
I totally agree! there was this school friend who would call up 3 times a day and start with 'aur bata'. Arrey, i didn't batao anything in the first place, and besides, YOU CALLED ME!
ReplyDeleteAnd then there are all those people who just have to post a comment to everything (count me amongst those!)
ReplyDeleteoh, and how about people who send you a calendar invite for a discussion *they* want to have, and keep postponing it because they're too busy, and then see you in the elevator and say 'we must catch up on that business plan for termite resistant bread' in a tone designed to make you feel guilty.
ReplyDeletehe chain email thingie. I really dread to open my mail because I am sure that every time, there will be a chain email waiting to explode from my inbox, shooting shrapnel into the mailboxes of those I love the most.
ReplyDeleteFor every man must destroy the thing he loves. And so it is on email when you will hurt the persons you love the most by cluttering their inbox with veiled threats of personal loss piggybacking on sentimental junk mail.
There are basically three kinds of chain mail. The first involves mailing money to someone on a list attached in the mail. This is too boring to consider in this essay.
The second is one which has a heavily sentimental 'make a wish' message which progresses into more mush than a bearskin rug. It will say things like:
"Somebody is alive because of you...somebody has faith in you...somebody trusts you... somebody needs you to let them be your friend...somebody hears a song that reminds them of you... somebody will cry when they read this..."
You would agree that the last line is an overkill. Or very true. I usually break down at that point and contemplate my wrists - I am so not worthy. Finally, when they have you weeping over the ol' qwerty, they give you a stiff uppercut with a signoff that goes like this:
"if you do not forward this email to 7 people within the next 1 minute your dog will choke trying to swallow your pet python and the grief will make you eat sugary doughnuts for the rest of your life."
The more interesting threats have a step function cost benefit analysis.
"If you forward this to 10 people within the next 5 minutes, all your dreams will come true and Napoleon will return from the dead."
"If you forward this to 9 people within the next 6 minutes, all your dreams will come true, but at the cost of your right arm."
"If you forward this to 8 people within the next 30 seconds, you will get cramps in your fingers from typing the header on your mail."
"If you forward this to 7 people in 1 year, you would wish you had a more interesting life than remembering chain mails for a year."
And so on.
Finally, the third kind of chain mail tugs at the heartstrings in quite a different way. The altruism and empathy angles.
"Li'l bo peep is 8 years old and has two noses. Doctors have told her that if she is to have a shot at a normal life, she will have to get rid of one nose. The operation will cost her $50,000. She can't afford it. So she is flying down to Florida to have a party on the beach instead. She started this chain email hoping to reach out to all the ugly people in the world and tell them that life can only get worse. This strong 8 year old hopes to get into the Guinness or some Guinness into her. If her noses don't help her, she's hoping the chain email will. So please forward this to as many people as you can and copy Carla Bruni on your message congratulating her on her priceless nude pics."
The veiled threat follows:
"If you do not forward this, Li'l bo peep's dream will be shattered and she will have to appear on Oprah to name YOU as the person who did not let it happen."
Or something to that effect.
The bottomline. I have the following things to say:
Thing 1. Don't send me chain mail
Thing 2. If you get chain mail, ignore the threat. forward it to your mother in law (if you aren't married, keep the mail for when you have a mother in law) with an amplified threat like "if you don't forward it to 3 million people by the end of the decade, I will personally assault you with a soup ladle and make you wear a bag of potato wafers on your head for the rest of your life." That should keep her busy for a few years.
Thing 3. Copy Carla Bruni on all your messages anyway. Those pictures are good.
Thing 4. Now forward this to 6 people who do not have email. if you don't do it, you will never be able to find a pen when you want to take a message on the phone.