Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The unromance novel


I am of the firm opinion that the romance novel has killed romance. It paints a picture so rosy that anything less is immediately dismissed as a bed of thorns. Ouch! Pick up a romance book and pick out any random page.

Pg 42: ‘As his lips brushed her nose, she felt a tingling in her spine.’
I don’t know about her, but in real life, anyone with lips, or anything else brushing her nose would go into a paroxysm of sneezing. And a tingling in the spine – rush to your nearest orthopaedic surgeon who will immediately put you through a list of tests starting with spondylitis and ending with paralysis of the lower limbs.

Pg 73: ‘He took her feet into his hard hands and began to caress the soft white insoles.’
He is a masseur in a massage parlour. That explains it. No other man alive would caress soft white insoles. No other man alive would probably even know what insoles are. Go on check it out. Ask your guy what he thinks of your insoles.

Pg 113: ‘I have waited all my life for a woman like you,’ he whispered.
He is in his nineties. Which is why he’s been waiting all his life. (Also men in romance novels do one whole lot of whispering, do you notice?)

Pg 130: ‘Her heart threatened to burst out of her heaving satin blouse.’
It already is, judging from the cover of the book. There’s a whole lot bursting out of her heaving satin blouse as well.

Had enough? Snap the book shut. And you’re presented with the cover:

The cover has a guy with a jaw that could cut watermelon in one swipe. Stop right there! Have you ever seen a matrimonial ad which reads ‘Highly educated boy with a software degree and a jaw that cuts watermelon searches for a ....’ Of course not! They do not exist. Neither does the woman on the cover with her auburn hair thrown back and her neck thrown back and her head thrown back... at an impossible tilt which has probably given her that spondylitis in the first place.

Pg 199: ‘And then he switched on the TV, and kicked off his shoes and yelled, ‘What’s for dinner?’
Haha. Caught you there. You won’t find that on Pg 199. It doesn’t exist in romance novels. That’s real life. And though it has no bursting hearts or tingling spines, it is a lot more fun!

35 comments:

  1. Oh my god. So hilarious ! And so true. I read so many of them and they all sound exactly same. Only complaint is that you write so rarely and then so little. Please write longer blogs.

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  2. Haha you killed it, the romance and the bubble perfectly!!!!!!

    I think you should write a novel on the real things that do happen because you will surely have us laughing and you book series will become better blockbusters than those mindless romance Mills & Boons!!!!!!

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  3. you just described me he he he he...especially "whats for dinner"

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  4. @ira - thanks. @ divya - thanks, i'll try.
    @ dugul - with that cook you're married to, i don't blame you.

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  5. Read it with a colleague in office amidst fits of laughter leading to both of us almost falling off our chairs...very risky article I must say :D

    Now you must write a post on how you find such hilariously outrageous descriptions in romance novels...a jaw that could cut a watermelon! What are you tripping on Janey ;) ;)

    Loved it...looooooved it.

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  7. Thanks Puja. Always happy to contribute to having your heaving bottom roll around the floor.

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  8. Introducing Jandy's "Unromance Novel" spining a playful and erotic romance in her debut unromantic novel. Jandy's funny, borderline neurotic heroine is perfect in her imperfections, and the sexual chemistry between her and her charming, dinner demanding yet blissfully unaware leading man are the true heart of the novel. With laugh out loud dialogue and a super steamy romance that will get your heart racing! Highly recommended read...

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    1. wow. keyamom. you are so going to write the back blurb for my next novel!

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  9. Hilarious Jane!! Need to ask my hubby if he knows where my insoles are!!

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    1. did he did he? the suspense is killing me

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  10. awesome... gave me a belly ache from all the laughing. More more more.... but you know where the blame game should start... Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty et al with their notions of Prince Charming and happily ever after.. ;) heehehheee

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  11. Awesome as usual... gave me a belly ache from all the laughing....more more more.. but you know where the blame game should start - Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty et al with their notions of Prince Charming and happily ever after ;)- i agree, real life is better, even with the smelly socks and ups & downs...

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    1. you bet. i've been so tempted to re-write the classic tales. Sleeping beauty's real-life mom-in-law would have woken her lazy ass in a mo. and not with a kiss either!

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    2. ha ha ha.. you are the perfect person to give a real-life take on the fairy tales... go go go...

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    3. oh yes please.. i would much rather that my girls read your version ;) - get to it sooooooon

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    4. will write one for kee, but she has to be a lot older, so the stars in her eyes don't crumble yet.

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    5. Snowhite sounds like the ideal Indian bahu...jo apne pati ko shadi ke pahle kabhi nahin dekhti hai...she sees him just once(after being woken up from sleep with a kiss) and goes ahead and gets married...such a homely, conventional, milky white complexioned Indian girl...will fit right in the matrimonial :D

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    6. @puja - where do the 7 dwarfs fit in then into this conventional Indian household?

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  12. He smiled lovingly at her across the candlelight as he quietly pressed another booger on to the spot under the table. One for every dinner she so affectionately cooked for him. There would be a little mound soon. "It would be such a surprise for her to see it on our 50th wedding anniversary," he thought, "Right after I giver her my navel lint collection commemmorating all the time times she ungrudgingly did my laundry."

    The gentle tinkle of her laughter brought him instantly back to the present moment. "Happy Birthday!", he whispered, as he slowly pushed the little package across the table to her. "Pull the shoelace to open it.", he whispered, with a look that told her it was going to be a present she would remember for the rest of her life.

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    1. Pach, you are now the new Queen (King if you insist) of Unromance novels. Wotsay - should we launch a string of them?

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  13. LOL Jandy :) Good to see you back here! - Rama

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  14. spot on, jane! as usual.
    haha...love the part about the whispering...lol..

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    1. speak louder, mala. can't hear you. ;)

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  15. I agree with Ira. Please write your own series of Unromance novels. You have the guarantee we will all be buying them, and You will be laughing all the way to the bank.

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  16. at last J, you have resurfaced after a long hiatus with this hilarious 'romantic' picturesque sketch. Loved it!
    Look forward to your twist on the "classics"

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  17. hi Jane, this is me ;). We met at lunch, cannot believe I have not read your blog earlier, please do write more often, I am still literally rolling (ok not on the floor but on the bed) laughing :). Looking forward to that book release in Au Bon Pain sometime soon now ;).
    Aparna

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  18. Getting the Snow-white reference now ;). Just read through a bunch of your older entries, don't know how i missed them in the blogosphere earlier! Love your writing, really looking forward to that book release in Au Bon Pain sometime soon ;).

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    1. Thanks aparna. Yes, I'm rather low-key. Since everything is spoofy, wouldn't want to go insulting people on a large scale, would I ? heh.

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  19. Oh wow! First one out of the hat and it's a winner for me :) Chanced upon your blog through another blogger's interview and you had me rolling in the aisles :D Excellent!!

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    1. Thanks Shyvee. Now you've got me curious. Whose interview mentioned me?

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