Everyone posts recipes, so here’s
mine! Never let it be said I didn’t share the recipe of my fabulous much-acclaimed
Christmas cake.
Buy a pack of maida and bring it
home to realise it’s rice flour. Disgusting con men in the store!
Cut open the packet of sugar and get
the scissors stuck in the pack and see half the sugar spill on to the floor.
Try to mop it up with one hand,
while keeping the dog away with the other. Sugar is bad for dogs, since they
don’t brush their teeth ever ever!
Take the cut n dried raisins and
almonds and cashews and stuff that you’d soaked in rum a month back – and kept
tasting ever since. Look shocked since it’s now down to a handful. Make a big noise demanding to know who in the
house ate it up.
Anyway, just pour everything into
a big wooden bowl and stir it. Add other
things you think cakes need. Like candles. Like eggs. Darn, how do you pick out
the egg shells? Never mind, they’re good sources of calcium!
Caramelise some sugar by burning
it brown in a pan with a little water. Stop before the whole house starts
smoking and the neighbours ring the bell in panic. Go to the door to assure
them you are not on fire. Return to the kitchen to find you are!
The caramelised sugar is now hard
enough to throw at one of the neighbours!
You forgot to add butter, you
clod! The butter is frozen to its paper carton. Dump it in anyway. If they can
eat egg shells, they can eat paper too. It won’t dissolve! Microwave the whole
thing a bit to melt it!
Ooh freakin frook! Paper carton
and wooden bowl and metal stirrer!
Everything’s smoking. The microwave oven has blown the house fuse!
How are you gonna bake it with no
power?
Call the boys and the dog and sit
and lick up all the cake mix instead. It’s much yummier than cake. Call S and
ask him sweetly to buy 4 large Christmas cakes on his way home. And some
medicine for tummy upset.
Liked my cake recipe?
Now here’s the real secret. Ma
bakes the cake. I just eat it.
