Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Death by google


No one gets coughs and colds any more. For which you took a book to bed with a blanket and sneezed your way out in a day or 2.

Everyone gets laryngitis and pharyngitis and viral infections and bird flu and SARS. For which you take blood tests instead.

Who do you think’s to blame? Our falling immunity or global climate change or drug-resistant germs?

None, I’d say. It’s google! Google’s getting us all sicker than ever before!

I’ve got an itch on my arm. It’s not a mosquito bite, oh no, don’t be ridiculous! I google it, and I realise I have atopic dermatitis! Oh man, who did I inherit that from? Or psoriasis? Maybe pityriasis rosea! I knew it! It says I’ve got underlying liver disease!

You’ve got a tummy ache? Obviously, it’s not because you’ve eaten half the free  buffet at the shaadi you attended. No, you should google this at once. It’s irritable bowel syndrome. Or intestinal polyps for sure! Oh help, you’ve got celiac disease! Maybe peptic ulcers the size of moon craters – poor you!

Kids aren’t just plain naughty any more. They’ve got ADHD and Tourette’s syndrome. Your kid has an oversensitive metabolism? Mine has overactive pituitary glands. Even better!

Now, that information is at our fingertips, we diagnose ourselves with the worst illnesses that the tiniest symptoms bring on. Pulmonary aneurysms, diverticular disease, adenoidal inflammation. Hey, there was a reason the doc’s handwriting was so bad. He didn’t want you to see the big words and flip it. Google however throws them up with gay abandon.

‘Sudden sneeze? – You have 3420,022 results in 0.32 seconds!’ Hallelujah! You’re really on your deathbed. It’s a wonder you’re even sitting up at your laptop and googling. Go rest now. Or you’ll get DSPS (and I know you’re going to google that up too!)

 

37 comments:

  1. Ha Ha Ha. Poor Jandy has under-lying liver disease! And we are all ROFL. You're just too funny, babe!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not sensing much sympathy for my "underlying liver disease", Kay Kay! But thanks all the same!

      Delete
  2. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint by Mark Twain needs some fine tuning.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I googled DSPS! And I HAVE IT! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know who that is, so don't go 'anonymous' on me!

      Delete
  4. I know what you mean see that's why I don't google even though hubby insists that I read and be aware... My answer you google you learn I am better off without knowing ...take what comes my way :P

    See me lost my voice now not bothered except have a brat who is taking full advantage with mom not able to talk....

    ReplyDelete
  5. hahahaha... that was just amazing Jane, I am so very glad to be able to read more of your posts thanks to this marathon ;).

    I have stopped googling symptoms after going through an extreme case of Oh God Is this what I have? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much, Aparna. Makes my day! er... not your symptoms... the first line I meant.

      Delete
  6. hahaha..yep, so true..sometimes ignorance is bliss in this age of over information every where and with this know-it-all friend-google :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. but we'd never admit we're ignorant, would we?

      Delete
  7. This post reminded me of the time when I was unwell for a few months in the beginning of the year and each time I turned to Google it made me feel like I would be dead any day. Haha..thankfully I left turning to it in a few days else I would have been suffering from depression by now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. depression? - clinical , cyclical, seasonal, post-traumatic or pre-mentsrual? :)))

      Delete
  8. What's worse is when I go to my Doc and ask her about all these Googled diseases (mostly found only in 'House' and 'Grey's') she actually laughs :( What to do!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah then,, wouldn't help if I laughed too, would it? :)

      Delete
  9. Ha ha ha...googling symptoms always gives me a headache... now is that migraine, cluster, tension, constant, brain and eye overstrain.... go figure O' great google with devil's horns... but no matter what the cure is at hand - google bows down to a daily dose of jandy laughs...

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Googlictus-itis..yes ;) I present myself as a chronic sufferer !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now we have a name for the syndrome. Thank you, type-writer mom!

      Delete
  12. hahah...indeed. Good gives such an overdose of information that out of 340022 results only 1 is relevant :) Only we need to first google to find out which"one" that is ;);)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The relevant ones are never on the first page, you can bet, after going through all the links on the first page

      Delete
  13. I did look up DSPS just because I was curious *sheepish grin* And I realized I do have that... ever since the blogathon has started ;)
    LOLing after reading thus post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Thank you. Love the blogging community. Totally encouragaing lot!

      Delete
  14. What's with the new look for your blog? I thought It had been hacked and I was on a new blog, until I read of course your inimitible sense of humor.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hehe. Well, after seeing all those gorgeous blogs out there, I just felt mine was too 'plain jane' :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. So funny!!! i had these spots on my feet and i went to the dermo and he tells me i have vascularitis. and prescribes some medication.. and just as you mentioned i googled it and it says i can die if it aggravates.. OMG! I was so scared! hehehe thanks to Google..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so happy you're not dead (by google) yet! :)

      Delete
  17. You had me laughing so hard Jane! I have been victim to Google's trap too. I am quite a worrywart to begin with. And google was no help either. Every ailment had a 'may die if ignored' or some such dreadful explanation!
    The hypothyroidism topic must have thrown google's searching ability into overdrive a few years back when I was first diagnosed with it. Now I am a calm pill popper to keep 'em hormones at bay....:-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alwys wondered whether google was worse, or the doc's bad handwriting.

      Delete
  18. Use Google to quiz doctors,babes....and enjoy!!They will google as well....It's a vicious goocle!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I inherited my hypochondriac genes from my dad & then Google just went and made it worse! In fact I've seen a lot of Docs use Google as well :) Wonder if Google will consider awarding "Doctor" degrees on all of us?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha, you're so right about that bit. i've been sitting at a doc's desk and caught him googling.

      Delete
  20. hahhahahah thanks Jandy, I've been bored out of my skull, not that it was like a party in there. Your post are just refreshing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks. posts like these are actually a result of being bored out of my skull too.

      Delete