Furious with my carpenter for taking a sizeable advance and
then disappearing for a fortnight, I could do nothing but bubble and boil when
he said, ‘Sorry, Madam – my aunty died.’
Nevertheless, I tried: “Why didn’t you send your assistant?”
“His uncle died.”
It’s a wonder our population is still growing so heartily when everyone is being killed off with such rapidity!
My cook kills off relatives with cheerful abandon each time she absents herself.
After the last 3 days off, she offered, “My mother’s poor mother died.”
“But she died last year in November,” I protested, checking the calendar.
Nevertheless, I tried: “Why didn’t you send your assistant?”
“His uncle died.”
It’s a wonder our population is still growing so heartily when everyone is being killed off with such rapidity!
My cook kills off relatives with cheerful abandon each time she absents herself.
After the last 3 days off, she offered, “My mother’s poor mother died.”
“But she died last year in November,” I protested, checking the calendar.
“That was my mother’s other mother. My mother has 2
mothers,” she persisted in her biological illogic, fervently digging her own
grave, along with her 2 dead grandmothers’.
Those of us who ponder over the unpredictability of Death,
should take consolation. These deaths have perfect timing. After a dinner
party, when the house is covered in crumbs and stains and dishes are piled high
– grandparents instantly fall dead. Closer relatives like sisters and brothers
reserve their own demise for longer spells of absence. A driver once landed up
stinking like a brewery, red-eyes and all – after a week of mourning for his
dead brother who the next day was mentioned as his dead brother-in-law, and the
day after as his dead brother’s brother-in-law. The dead obviously do not take
relationships as seriously as we do.
Sicknesses too strike with utter accuracy. Leave is taken
for colds, coughs, ingrown toenails, raging fever, bordering cancer, expected
AIDS, confirmed swine flu, galloping gangrene – and other ailments – which fade
off after the excuse is accepted.
I can’t really reject the excuse, can I? How cold-hearted
can I be to the cause of dearly departed family members? I need to offer tea
and sympathy and a few days’ leave at least. I can hardly say, on Pay Day: “My
great-grand-mother’s second cousin died. Rituals do not allow me to go to the
bank for a month. So sorry!”
So I really do need help here.
We need to curtail these multiple murders immediately. At
the rate everyone’s dying, there soon won’t be anyone left to kill off!
