Sunday, August 30, 2009

101st Dalmation

I woke up one day covered with spots. Red itchy ones.
Measles, I think. Finally, I get to sit back in bed while everyone pampers me.
No, said the doc, it’s an allergy. NO bed.
What am I allergic to, I ask? Doctors – HaHa.
The doc is not amused.

I go through 2 months of tests.
Pin pricks, punch pricks, a patch test (which makes me look like a robot, because I have this huge patch full of 30 little spots stuck onto my back). I tell the nurse when she comes to pull it off - So now, you’re going to open up my back and replace my batteries.. Haha.
The nurse is not amused. She yanks the patch off, and I yell.
Mental note : Add nurses to my allergies.

3 months of spots over… no diagnosis. 5 more doctors consulted.
Dermatologists, Derma-toxi-tolgoists, Derma-I have a degree from Scotland-tologists.
A lot of my money goes. None of the spots go.
Says the Derma-I am dead serious about this -tologist – You need a skin biopsy.
I dissolve into tears. I have Cancer. Then I remember, that if I have Cancer, I have precious little time, so I must not waste my time crying. I must make a Will.
I realize I have less money in the bank, and more debts to pay – that is not a good thing to Will someone I love. No Wills. Back to crying.

4 months – Don’t be an idiot. Go to a Homeopath, say All the Wise Ones, in my life.
I flush out all the pills. And go to the Homeopath.
No, No, You have done it all wrong, says this doc, You are poisoning yourself. Allopathy kills. Drink water, don’t drink coffee, don’t kill yourself.
I take lots of sweet little white balls. I get a new red spot for every homeo ball I take.
I also have huge migraines from not having coffee.
Bye to the Homeo, Back to the coffee.
If I am going to die, I want to die happy.

It’s now been 6 months of spots.
Take Safi to clean your blood, says my Mother (Mothers know best?)
Take bitter gourd juice in the morning, says another Wise One.
You are allergic to your dog, says another doctor. (Poor Marco goes through 5 weeks of tic-tac medicinal baths and doesn’t know what’s hit him.)
You are allergic to dust, pollen, bugs, mosquitoes (say docs numbers 5 to 8).
You have spotted swine flu, says someone who has been watching too much news.
I have now done so many tests, that I can google myself as a case study.
I can never wear shorts again in my life – booo hoooo !
I will never be cured of my allergic cancer to dogs and dust mites and doctors. Boo hooooo !

Woke up this morning to even more spots.
Mama, says Neel, you look amazing ! You’ve turned into a leopard.



  1. Jane, I wish I can help the spots disappear. But I can help you emotionally - in ways of health food, asanas, pranayam to make you feel better and wiser. Hang in there, its patience this supernatural is testing, for which pranayam works wonders. Need help?

  2. 'leopard spotted on MG Road' says TOI.

  3. that was some reason for not blogging! neel is so sweet :)
    awesome post jane, i am amazed at how you are able to find humour in any situation.

  4. thanks puja, thanks arch - yes, need help !!!!
    vinoo - go away ! (and take my spots with you).

  5. Leopard....hehhe ..... .. :)

  6. kids. they have this uncanny way of saying the right thing at the wrong time. or is it the other way round i mean...:) get well soon!

  7. So sweet - but what the hell are you going could be the weather (?). whatever it is relax and take care. Not sure if i can jump out and help but surely can do something tortoisely :)

  8. The spots are increasing? Good then, once they are done covering all surface area, there won't be a single spot of bother.

  9. Jane, I sympathise and empathise with you completely but can't resist this - at Kee's rhyme time I got to hear a new version of an old nursery rhyme - Baa baa black sheep, have you any spots? Yes sir yes sir I've got lots ;) - how fitting is that!!

  10. Jane, I have been suffering from an embarassi ng illness for many years now, and no one, not even my closest friends suspect it. I am surprised at your bravery and honesty in putting your problem on your blog. I hope you get well. You are an inspiration. Do keep informing us.

  11. I have every allergy imaginable. I start sneezing, stop breathing, break out into rashes and all. Generally entertaining to the lay audience. I remember some idiot who should have known better brought lovely flowers to my desk when I finally told colleagues I got married. I *had* to carry them home for S (they were lovely, as I said) in the tube, and I didn't have tissues. I was dribbling snot and sneezing and wiping my face on the sleeve of my business suit. Created plenty of space around me on a very crowded rush hour train.

    Back to you. Let's make a list of things you could be allergic to, and start by making plans to eliminate them. The plan that eliminates the most allergies is the one for you.

    1. Daily humdrum: Escape to some place exotic with lots of sunshine, pampering and wine. Remember to pack all knee high Ns.
    2. Those debts: Auction them on eBay. See 1.
    3. Work: Don't. See 1.
    4. Bedbugs: bite them and see 1
    5. Pollution: See 1
    6. Light ('strue. Some people are allergic to light. Bright lights can make most people sneeze. Very bright lights make everyone see spots): See 1
    7. TV: Smash with hammer, and see 1
    8. Cooking: resist, and see 1
    9. Drinking: Live with the allergy, and see 1
    10. Internet: Hit keyboard with head to continue and see 1.

    Here's another thing. Maybe you're allergic to spots. And all it took was for the first spot to appear, and now your allergy is feeding off itself. Like a perpetual motion machine. Fascinating.

    Finally, you got to ask yourself: Are Neel and Nik having a go at you with their finger paints when you're sleeping?

    BTW, can you ask your friend with the embarrassing illness where they got it? If it was at that King's Palace IV at Patpong, please get in touch. Some friends in a similar situation are looking for one more complainant to launch a class action suit...

  12. haha - thanks ole pach ! point # 1 , it is !
    and i have no clue who this friend is - i' a bit curious to know what the embarassing illness is too. but her/ his privacy is totally respected.