Tuesday, June 2, 2009

whose mom am i ?

I am a mother to 2 little boys, and a daughter to loving parents.
Or sometimes I wonder, is it the other way around?

1 day, when I was in Bombay crossing a road with my big strong Dad, I suddenly found myself reaching out for his hand, in the traffic hurtling by. And I also realized it wasn’t because I was unsafe, but I though he would be. I wanted to make sure he went across ok.
When did the roles reverse?
Today, my mom lives with us. And I put 3 bowls of porridge out every morning. For my kids and for my mom. I take her out once in while to somewhere she really wants to go. Like to church. I scold her when she eats too little veggies, or when she eats too much sweet.
When did the roles reverse?

And sometimes late at night, when S is out of town, and it is my turn to take our doggie out, I find it is a little too dark and too late and too scary. And Neel, all of 5 years old, suddenly hops along, “because he doesn’t want anyone to take his mama away”. And I find his hand in mine, because he feels unsafe? Or he thinks I do?
When did the roles reverse?

18 comments:

  1. Jane - pure magic with words. Took only a couple of minutes to read but has left this huge lump in my throat. More more more...

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  2. Hi Jane!

    When did my roles reverse? Who knows? Except this oldie?
    I know. The roles started reversing when children were born of me. They then started reversing back to my childhood memories when both my parents passed away, the reversal becoming stronger as I got older.
    Now at this very old age my attachment is directed towards my NOW. Am I stupid in this role reversal?

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  3. Kuruvilla, you are the 'future' of who we are going to be some day. And the thoughts and feelings we are going to have.Thank you for taking the time out to read my blog :-)

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  4. Very rightly said and beautifully written. Its an amazing experience to go through these life stages and from time to time to see its reversal. The uncanny bit here is as humans go through these life stages they are very aware of the changes but I am not sure if we are equally aware of the reverse roles, I guess that would take a bit of self reflexivity. Having said that self reflexivity may not always have positive results. Caring for my elderly parents is my way of doing something for them as a daughter but I wonder if they feel equally happy being dependent on me. I can keep writing on this topic so I must stop here as its half 3 and time to play the role of a mother.

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  5. jane...you touched a chord once again. I read your post today after a particularly bad day yesterday which included coming to terms with and battling through an identical issue...which also brought back a flood of past experiences... I think the important thing is that whether you are a child or a parent ( and often both simultaneously), never ever allow the independance or dignity of the other play second fiddle to anything else...Difficult... and often overlooked by the cloak of "good intentions"...it can wreck ones being. Im trying.

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  6. As long as there's a hand being held, does it really matter whether you are the beholder or beheld?

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  7. This resonates so strongly with the lives of so many of us, especially considering where we are at this stage in our lives. And the "practical" necessities of life that may not always allow us to stay close to our parents in their times of need... though they'll be the last ones to express that need... doesn't make it easy to live with the feeling that somewhere we're falling much, much short of our duties and responsibilites towards our parents. And that leaves me to wonder what sort of example are we setting to our children .

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  8. Lovely thought provoking post - a slight change from your usual posts but wonderful to read.

    I have times when I'm actually telling my parents how to deal with the world in today's environment!! I'm telling them off for not doing certain things & generally trying to be the parent.

    But there are other times when I have to smile when my 8 yr old follows me around at night with his flimsy little plastic toy sword or gun being my "gaurd" to protect me from unknown evil!! Or wake up in the middle of the night, come over to my room because he is scared but then cover me with the duvet which I had kicked off earlier because I was too hot!!

    The little circle of life?

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  9. thanks jasinder. preethika, single40greay - you raised a point about the parent not wanting to really be dependent - i guess it's just more convenient for us to ignore that and keep going, isn't it? and suprabha - i know what you mean about the guilt.

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  10. jane, dont know what I am doing. I have really nothing to write on, neither do I hold my mother who lives in chennai or do my children hold mine. Dont know whether i am missing something here. But my mother is always calling me for help and support indirectly and my children are always my tails.

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  11. thought provoking indeed jg.

    we are just continuing the cycle of life and passing it to our children what our parents started and their parents started and so on-----

    our children will pedal along and give back in their own way----
    yes, to not be in physical proximity of all those very important people in our lives specially in their time of need is like being on a seesaw of emotions.

    paying it forward also makes one feel blessed and fortunate to have had a chance to give back.
    when did the roles reverse? you ask
    methinks--child is the father of the man---as we grew up, we have in or own little ways consciuosly or not have become our parents---thanks to them the desire to nurture, protect, and preseve continues and lives on------

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  12. hey ...my dad used to say like father like son....and from the mouth of babes...

    when he caught my hand i used to say please make chinese bangles....

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  13. loved it janey.....guess its the circle of life...

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  14. wow! you have written it so beautifully jane. m at loss of words to write what i feel.

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  15. Loved every word... I do realise how suddenly we just take on the parenting of our parents.... till one day my dad asked me.. who is the parent you or me? Boom it hit me....

    Sometimes when we feel we are independent ... wise (that I don't know how many of us will be ha ha) we think we can take charge of the world .. even our parents.. we suddenly become the protectors... or at least wish to..

    but there are times when we are hit and suddenly your parent give you that comforting hug and suddenly its a role reversal.. you are a little baby in your parents arms

    I think what is beautiful about role reversals is that its something which is always changing gears... and switching vice versa as the situation demand..

    All I would say I am thankful because I am blessed to still bully my parents ;) !!!!!!!!

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  16. Very touching! Proud of Neel! My dad always used to quote "Child is the father of man". Dont think I completely understood that till I had my own. This little one has taught me a lot even though she is just 6 months - when did this role reversal happen?!

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  17. super post, I know it's strange but we all keep switching roles from time to time. Post my dad's heart attack, he calls me ward boy cause I keep reminding him to take his tablets.

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