Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Mask - Part J

Urged on to get glowing hair and creamy teeth, or is it silky teeth and dazzling skin– or anyway, just urged on to look like Barbie by a zimultizillion magazine ads, I finally succumbed.
Today, after a day of fumes and sun and paint dust, I pulled out the Neem face pack that I’d got as a freebie with washing soap. Lathered it on, and imagined myself emerging like Bo Derek from the water. Emerged from the bathroom to a shriek, and my 2-year-old began to howl, and wouldn’t come to me for half an hour after. I hurriedly washed off the Neem mask and my Bo Derek hopes.
I’ve had a hate-hate relationship with cosmetics all my life. I ate a bit of my strawberry crush face lotion in a late-night pregnancy hunger pang. My dog growled non-stop at my Mud under-eye cream, and when he got to it, he chewed it to little mud pieces. His under eyes have been glowing ever since. My sons play ping-pong with my 3 sunscreen lotions, none of which have ever been used, and have hardened into alien life forms. The burgundy hair colour which has Penelope Cuz tossing her glossing curls because she’s ‘worth it’, turned my hair into blood red spikes.
I never find the time to go the beauty parlour, and the one time I went for a spa massage, I giggled so much, they refunded my money and shut the door on my face. While growing up, I was more a tom boy than the blushing rose, and the only beauty aid I ever used was band-aid on my knees, from falling off a dozen trees.
So today, I cleared my bathroom shelf of the little bottles of 5-star hotel lotions and potions, and the guaranteed silky skin so-and-sos. And I picked up my still sniffling 2 year-old, who looks a lot happier now that his mama’s face is no longer green.

Learning :
1. Nothing’s gonna change the way I look, except for a meteor falling on my face. Which I can live with, or in this case, live without.
2. My 2 little boys think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, and Hey – that’s good enough for me… (that’s till they discover Barbie of course).


  1. loved it! you are a deadbeat model for the multibillion dollar cosmetic industry :)

    wait till you start the anti aging creams and lotions with that secretive so called magical additives in them!!!!!

    i have had women here apologizing to me for not wearing their makeup!!!! i thought that was really weird.

    great write JG!!

  2. Jane I have read all the blogs as far back as March 2009 (not a lot, I know!!). I was really tired & sleepy but decided to have a peek at my FB account. I found your message with the link to this site. So I followed the link & thought I'd only read 1 blog before going to bed but 1/2 hour later after reading all the new posts my sleep has vanished. They are very amusing & your style is lovely & refreshing & very light hearted. I loved every one of the blogs. Keep up the wonderful amusing work.


  3. Do you know why food prices are on the rise and people in poor countries are starving? I didn't, until I rummaged through the bathroom shelf. The shampoo has green apple in it, the skin lotion is an extravagant mix of cocoa, butter and possibly cream (unless it is a cream of cocoa and butter, which is just as bad), the face cream has not 1 but 3 berries, the soap is 'vegetable based with a lush scent of mango', the bath gel is from the 'fruit blast' goes on. And this is a household that buys the cheapest toiletries. You can well see why all of Europe is a net food importer despite enormous tracts of designated farmland protected from development, hefty farming subsidies, and being home to only a fraction of the world's population.

    What we need is a return to basics and if it was good enough for Cleopatra, crocodile dung and ass' milk should be good enough for the rest of us.

  4. I agree with your 2 sons ; you are a beautiful woman, and you do not need those toiletries.

  5. Why is S making an anonymous post ;-). and check this out

  6. I can see that is S making an anonymous post. Jane, you are too busy these days, call me when you are free for a chat on phone :)

  7. I think I love that magic potential in cosmetics more than what they actually do (or maybe not) for me. Or maybe its just the advertising... I always fall for those cunningly concocted names and descriptions. And the hex-machines lie unused at the back of the bathroom shelf unused and not really missed. Until the next time I suddenly realise I'm becoming a slob and have to do something about it quick! If nothing else a wickedly expensive new cashmetic always makes me feel relieved that at least I'm doing something about it.
    I'm convinced the midnight hours were created specially for women (or men!) who want to experiment with their looks without a houseful of family members laughing their silly block-heads off. Or as in your case, bawling a blue funk! Wait till after dark and till everyone's gone to sleep next time, Jane. And that's the voice of experience you hear!
    But if you got time to experiment with your hair colour inspite of having a 2-year old, well, you're Superwoman in my book!

  8. thanks guys, pachydermus, suma and sunita, your versions had me cracking up - ooops - time to head for that anti-crack cream huh?

  9. I think this is a disfunctionality - cosmetophobe - and it comes as part & parcel of mommydom! Careful lest the boys start smearing cocoa-butter on toast & eating it! Warning - never keep these items in the refrigerator