No one gets coughs and colds any
more. For which you took a book to bed with a blanket and sneezed your way out
in a day or 2.
Everyone gets laryngitis and
pharyngitis and viral infections and bird flu and SARS. For which you take
blood tests instead.
Who do you think’s to blame? Our
falling immunity or global climate change or drug-resistant germs?
None, I’d say. It’s google!
Google’s getting us all sicker than ever before!
I’ve got an itch on my arm. It’s
not a mosquito bite, oh no, don’t be ridiculous! I google it, and I realise I
have atopic dermatitis! Oh man, who did I inherit that from? Or psoriasis?
Maybe pityriasis rosea! I knew it! It says I’ve got underlying liver disease!
You’ve got a tummy ache?
Obviously, it’s not because you’ve eaten half the free buffet at the shaadi you attended. No, you
should google this at once. It’s irritable bowel syndrome. Or intestinal polyps
for sure! Oh help, you’ve got celiac disease! Maybe peptic ulcers the size of
moon craters – poor you!
Kids aren’t just plain naughty
any more. They’ve got ADHD and Tourette’s syndrome. Your kid has an
oversensitive metabolism? Mine has overactive pituitary glands. Even better!
Now, that information is at our
fingertips, we diagnose ourselves with the worst illnesses that the tiniest
symptoms bring on. Pulmonary aneurysms, diverticular disease, adenoidal
inflammation. Hey, there was a reason the doc’s handwriting was so bad. He
didn’t want you to see the big words and flip it. Google however throws them up
with gay abandon.
‘Sudden sneeze? – You have
3420,022 results in 0.32 seconds!’ Hallelujah! You’re really on your deathbed.
It’s a wonder you’re even sitting up at your laptop and googling. Go rest now.
Or you’ll get DSPS (and I know you’re going to google that up too!)
